Sending Wine Home

I stayed pretty quiet when I first started my new job. I tend to be very respectful when meeting people, even though my inner core is a fiery dragon deep inside a tornado. I refuse to be controlled or limited in life. I like being in charge and have a hard time following anyone. I love to talk. Conversation is one of my most favorite things in the world. But, when I first meet you, I am pretty even-tempered and a pretty good listener.

I also really like to soak up as much information about the job as possible so that I do well. I really like to figure out how to do the absolute best I can. I love to learn all the ins and outs. I think every type of work has an art form within it and I love to unpack all of that by getting to know my boss’s expectations and intuitive sense for the industry. I will fall all over myself trying to please people. For some reason, it makes me so happy.

Tired. But, happy.

It gives me a sense of purpose.

I also secretly love praise. So, there’s that too.

For my first meeting, I was perfectly polite and really took the role of learner. I asked a lot of questions and listened well. I noticed that my boss was very good at his job and I really wanted to learn how he approached everything.

I also noticed that he paused a lot. He left a lot of long, empty silence between things. So much so that you felt this uncontrollable urge to fill the space with words. I like for people to feel comfortable so those pauses were just a little too much for me. Slowly, my filler came up to the surface in meetings. He gave me a little bit of a hard time on it but I worked to catch myself the best I could.

I noticed that if I didn’t give him enough information, he wouldn’t make the final decisions I was hoping for. So, somedays I gave him way too much info. Over-explaining my thought process or the things I knew about the situation…..trying so hard to get him to go in my direction for the final decisions.

I also felt after awhile that he didn’t realize how much I did know and understand. He would repeat things a lot that, to me, seemed obvious and wasn’t taking the information to the next level. I would try to get ahead of him on that and say all the basic things and then see if he would add. I really was searching for a specific type of add. A next level of info. I never did quite figure out how to get there.

So, the theme became my interruptions, over-explaining, fast talking before he could get a word in. He slowly became frustrated with these moments instead of empathetic.

He would say: “Be Concise.” This was his main thing. He felt that everyone needed to just get to the point.

He felt less words were more effective than too many. He believed in the pauses. He was very careful with the energy flow in conversation. The back and forth. Not to be rushed or overdone. To him, this rhythm of talking was so crucial, vital to accomplishing great things.

I kept trying but the more he wouldn’t hear me out on things that were so important to me, the less patient I became to just be in the moment and let a small, concise conversation solve the problem.

One day, I sat in my car waiting for an appointment and he called. I was stressed, overwhelmed with current things that I was juggling at home alongside work and was really trying to rework my projects. I quickly tried to run down things with him to get him to agree. He wasn’t having it. I was talking too fast, too much, too many obvious things that he “got.” I was abruptly put in my place with admonishment.

“Be Concise.”

I drove home swirling this concept around in my head. How in the world could I have been concise with that? What am I missing? I knew that if I lost the conversation it would be more work for me and I was tired. I needed him to see that. The over-explaining was actually a signal that all was not right. But, there was more to it. I tend to use conversation to figure things out. The actual process of putting the words out will clear my head and organize everything enough that usually an amazing solution appears, seemingly, out of nowhere.

It then hit me. These type of people figure out all the info in their head first instead of talking it out and then pull together strategic short phrases that push the other person into their direction of thinking. They are actually doing all the mental work first, silently, and then with simple phrases and quick interactions that have just enough in it (yet are extraordinarily effective) they get it closed with the results they were hoping for.

Aha!

Interesting…. This would take a lot of practice for me. But, I resolved that I would work on that skill.

I had a newfound respect for small-talk. Those people that just shoot the breeze and close a million dollar contract in a brief exchange at a reception. This wasn’t the shallowness that I had always seen it as. There was a lot more to this. These people were brilliant. I needed to learn the secrets.

Shortly thereafter, I left the job for personal reasons but that lesson hasn’t left me.

My dear friend was having a Chablis party and we were all tasked with bringing a Chablis to try. She pulled together several wine friends, got a few snacks to pair, and said: “Surprise us with a Chablis of your choice!”

How can you turn down that fun?? I decided to splurge and get a Premier Cru selection. It did not disappoint.

I have to say this one was one of the most rewarding wine experiences I have ever had. Light, mineral, exquisite. I felt like I was floating as I sat and enjoyed a glass. Mine was the “Belle of the Ball” and won first prize at our tasting night. My heart was happy for the win.

But, more importantly, I practiced my simple party conversation. With my lovely glass of wine in hand, I slowed down and allowed for the conversation to take on its own life with back and forth small-talk. I let down my need to fill the space. I thought about helpful phrases to add but didn’t overthink it. I listened well and added playfully when needed. I practiced being concise. I kept it light yet interesting.

Much like Chablis. So light and yet so complex. Funny how that works!

Cheers!